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SACRED
GROUND
I've spent
many years in prison and for a long time I
thought of ways in which I could transform
myself into something better. I knew that the
things I did in my past, and that got me in
here, had to come to some reconciliation. After
feeling rotten and useless to the point where I
could not stand being me anymore, I came in
contact with a very dear friend (and prisoner,
like myself) who introduced me to the Dharma. I
had read some Buddhist material years before,
but it seemed very esoteric, Eastern, and
incomprehensible to me at that time. The
difference now was that I needed it, I was ripe
for it, and the naked truth of samsara was going
on right now–I no longer felt that I could sit
back and intellectualize my way out of my misery
and my karma.
Of course
this doesn't mean that I didn't try to talk
myself out of practice. At first I had to have
the right books. The books I got were too
simple, I couldn't possibly reach a "higher
level of awareness" just by sitting all nice and
straight! So I got some more books... to
possibly gain a new perspective. I tried to
convince myself at one point (quite
successfully) that if I didn't have one of those
special, $80.00 cushions with the strange name
and a sound-proofed room, I should just give it
up. Never mind that the guy that lived in the
cell next to mine never shut his television off
and could vibrate the walls with his snoring, I
couldn't have my butt getting sore while I tried
to meditate!
Eventually I
just gave in and started sitting. I approached
it in a way that felt the most natural to me,
and that way the practice of sitting became no
different than anything else I did. The sitting
became the whole day. I no longer felt that I
had to get into the right frame of mind or
choose the "correct" time of day and so on, I
was trying to stop the madness and confusion,
not complicating it all with, "I must, I have
to, I can't," etc. Space opened up and a kind
of simple, easier and much more compassionate
atmosphere came to be. That state that is the
practice of sitting is nothing more than this
present, right now. You may sit to become aware
of it, but it doesn't "go away" when you're
done. If I can only sit for ten minutes this
evening because I may have to deal with an
interruption, it's not a failure. I can stop,
touch on my breath as I exhale, and let go...
while I'm standing in line waiting for chow. I
can practice mindfulness while I'm working out
in the gym.
I'm thankful
now that I no longer see any advantage to having
the $80.00 cushion or the quiet, comfortable
room to sit in. It's not about that at all,
it's just this big, endless space that's
happening right now.
K.G.
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