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THE ROAD TO PRESIDENTIAL PARDON

When I first arrived at the medium security federal institution where I spent ten years for Cultivation of Marijuana, I was a very bitter, angry and lonely person full of much resentment.  Down deep I also had this feeling that there was a reason for everything that happens in life.  I knew that just as a means of survival (much more mentally than physically) I was going to have to find a way to turn this seemingly negative situation into a positive one.

I guess this was all part of what began my spiritual search that eventually led me to The Ratna Prison Initiative volunteers at the prison chapel.  That was in 1991, but it wasn’t until 1994 when I returned from a medical transfer 18 months later that I really connected with the teachings of Buddhism.  Much of what I heard from the volunteers and read through their donated materials resonated with my feelings on a daily basis, and with life in general, in particular, The Four Noble Truths.  The First Noble Truth is that life is difficult.  The Second Noble Truth is that the difficulty comes from craving satisfaction in ways that are inherently dissatisfying.  The Third Noble Truth tells us that the possibility of liberation from difficulties exists for everyone, and The Fourth Noble Truth tells us that the way to realize this liberation is by leading a compassionate life of virtue, wisdom and meditation.

What I got out of this in terms of my prison experience was that I could very much increase my suffering by dwelling on all the things I couldn’t do or have by living in either the past or the future, as opposed to living in the Now.  As long as I stayed in the Now, I remained thankful for the things I could do and have in there, and much of my pain and suffering dissipated.  I came to realize that previous to this, I was in a constant state of desire or aversion, and doing both out of complete ignorance of what was really going on there.  Like one of the Buddhist volunteers and my teacher said, “Happiness is the temporary transcendence of want.”  How true!  No matter where one is at, happiness has a lot more to do with your state of mind than your situation or circumstance in life.

My original spiritual interest and intuition led me to Eastern teachings, and in particular, the concept of reincarnation.  Part of that seemed to come from my attempt to make sense out of my situation and want to believe that my past lives pre-determined my fate in this one.  However,  that never did satisfy the depth of my yearnings.  It was through my weekly attendance at the Sangha meetings and the practice of meditation that I came to realize that my Karma was more immediate than that.  I was creating it in my moment-to-moment existence of this life-time.  My more immediate actions of my recent past were why I was where I was, regardless of any perceived  injustices.  What this related to for me was taking accountability.  Aside from the dharma, that one word and action, “accountability,” was responsible for my personal transformation in prison.

It initially took a conscious effort to make it over to the Chapel for Sangha meetings, because the positive effects were more subtle, and I didn’t notice them as much in a matter of weeks, or months, but after a couple of years, I came to the slow realization of the positive effect it had on enabling me to lead a productive and happy life.  As I began to retrospect back on my life before Dharma, I realized that I was operating at a tremendous handicap.  I was basically a stimulus/response machine whereby my actions and reactions were determined by factors outside myself.  I could only blame something on somebody for what had happened or was happening in my life, never seeing that I was the source of everything that happened to me, or at least be able to see the role I played in it. 

In prison, one needs to constantly keep their emotions and feelings in check as one thing can lead to another in a hurry.  Daily practice is the one thing that can help us identify their source and see how we give them vehicle.  It takes conscious effort and discipline to do this as there are many obstacles to overcome, like work-details, cell-mates, people continually stopping by, noise, etc.  Even though the Chapel was a place in which we could take refuge and that provided a sanctuary for quiet time and meditation, I always knew that I should sit on a daily basis in my cell, if only for a few minutes.  And when I finally did, even though it was only for maybe 20 to 30 minutes three to five days a week, the insights and benefits seemed to increase exponentially. 

I know initially I was subconsciously concerned about the oddity of people seeing me meditate and doing that around my cell-mate.  But then again, that was nothing more than my ego and self-identity getting in the way as it so often can with both staff and inmate interaction.  At the same time, everyone is trying to maintain their individuality despite what other people think.   One thing that occurred to me was that the Muslims prayed anywhere they could at their specified times, and most everyone never gave it a second thought.  I know I always respected their devotion and commitment to their beliefs, and when I thought about it, what should be any different about mine?  Actually, this just amounts to an excellent exercise in letting go of the ego and getting in touch with ourselves and our true Buddha nature.

Before my introduction to prison, and then the Dharma, I was a person who constantly needed to be entertained.  My sitting practice brought me to the full realization that ultimately we are alone, and we must learn to live and relish our time alone.  In prison, and out here now, I treasure that knowledge more than any other.  One thing I do miss out here is having the companionship of a weekly Sangha meeting where so many times after meditating we would discuss the daily application of the Dharma to our lives.  The other thing I miss is that I seemed to have more control over being able to read some books and literature on the Dharma most every day in prison, and that has been tough for me to do out here. 

In closing, I encourage you to put forth every effort to read whatever Dharma you can get your hands on, and to meditate, regardless if you have a Sangha group or not.  You will find that reading the Dharma and putting it into practice will give you a true foundation of strength and inner happiness that you can use every moment of your life, both in prison and out here.

Pete Ninemire

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